Last night was my first kickboxing class in months. I was quite surprised to find out just how much I had missed punching and kicking things. There was a part of me that was so nervous to go back to it. I think I was afraid that I was going to have forgotten all that I had learned and that my cardio was going to be shit. Neither of those worries came true and instead I was reminded of just how much I love that class.
All this time that I’ve been depressed, I’m pretty sure that had I got in there and done the kickboxing class, I might have climbed out that funk a little sooner. I’m convinced that there is no better therapy than taking your anger and frustration and beating the shit out of heavy bags to let it go.
Plus, it reminds me of the kind of person I want to be and let me tell you, that kind of person isn’t mopey, sad, weak, or lazy. For the sake of my sanity, kickboxing is definitely going to have to be a part of my regular life again.
I had really only stopped going to kickboxing so I could do the BJJ fundamentals class to help me prep for competition. Somewhere in there I fell in love with the fundamentals class and after the comp was over I kept going. It’s so hard to choose between the two, kickboxing and fundamentals, because I think both are vital to my survival in both life and BJJ. Kickboxing is my therapy and fundamentals is my lifeline in BJJ. I noticed my progress in BJJ really jumped forward when I started fundamentals and I don’t want that to stop. I’m just going to have to find a way to do both.
As for the regular BJJ class last night, I might have struggled a little.
Maybe more than a little.
Okay. A lot.
First, I was exhausted from kickboxing. I’m definitely going to need to refuel in between the two classes because I was done. Done-zo. Finito.
Second, I struggled a lot with the technique we worked on. Partly because it was new to me. Partly because of the whole I’m a stupid white belt thing. Partly because I have gained weight due to my troubling “food is comfort” therapy. It’s crazy how just a little bit of weight difference can make a huge difference in how you move. I felt slower and less flexible and my gi didn’t fit like I’m used to it fitting. I just felt incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin.
Mixed all of those circumstances with a partner that was getting super annoyed with me and I was ready to bolt out of there. This whole getting back at it is probably going to be a slower process than I thought. There are definitely some parts of me that are a little fragile still. Feeling like a incompetent fat ass isn’t doing a lot to help that fragility.
It’s just going to take some time. And, hey, I’ve got some time.
I’ve also got the determination and motivation to move forward, not give up, keep going, get that confidence back up, and lose the weight I have gained. I know that as long as I keep going to class I will get better each time I step on that mat.