Finally hit up my first class in almost three weeks. I know, I know. I’m not suppose to go that long without BJJ. It’s jut that things got a little out of hand. And, then one of our kids got strep. And, then…
Everyone says that excuses are like assholes, everybody has one. Well, I have lots of them. No, no. Not that. You are focusing on the wrong word. Excuses. I have lots of excuses. Most of which were hinged to my competition failure.
Wait. It was opinions that are like assholes. Eh. I need it to stay as excuses for the sake of my attempts to be clever in my writing.
I did a little bit of this:
Some of this:
Netflix became my best friend as I avoided the three-dimensional people.
I might have done a little bit of this:
Which eventually turned into this:
I didn’t say they were good excuses…
I’ve never been one to sugar coat things in my posts and I’m not going to start now. I’ve always struggled with depression. Anyone who deals with depression knows that if you feed that monster it will eat you whole before you know it. One of the biggest sides of that for me is that I struggle with the feeling of embarrassment. It’s a big depressive trigger for me. If I feel embarrassed I escape, hideaway from the world, and beat myself up.
I felt really embarrassed after my losses. It wasn’t me fearing anyone else thinking less of me, it was me just being really disappointed in myself and how I performed. That led to an overwhelming feeling of embarrassment and I let it eat me up and keep me from pushing forward in a positive manner.
I know, for me, the way to slay depression is to stay active, to eat healthy. That has always been my cure. The hard part is actually making myself do it. When I am depressed the couch, binge watching Stranger Things, Orange is the New Black, and documentaries on Netlix, and eating pizza is much, much more inviting.
The older I get the more aware I am of how that depressive lifestyle alters my body.
Eating like crap always makes me feel like crap. Bad carbs and sugar are almost like a drug and once I start eating them, it’s hard to stop and it just snowballs.
Not only that, those unhealthy foods make me feel tired, heavy, bloated, and sluggish. Those icky feelings usually halt my activity level. Not staying active gets in my head and makes me feel lazy, I’m less productive, and I end up just wasting the day, often times accomplishing nothing.
I also would find myself in the cycle of “the tomorrows.” I’ll start tomorrow. I can eat whatever I want today because tomorrow I will eat healthy. I can be lazy today because tomorrow I will start running again. Tomorrow I will get back on track. Tomorrow I will go to class. Tomorrow everything will be better.
The last few years I’ve really tried to focus on always moving forward towards my goals. Even if it’s just a little bit, a little progress, it’s always about moving forward. A relentless pursuit of better. Over the last three weeks I would sit there at the end of the day pissed and mad at myself that I did absolutely nothing to propel me forward. In fact, most days I was sliding back, distancing myself further from the things I want to accomplish.
It’s an ugly little cycle to get stuck in and it’s so hard to break.
Eventually I have to force myself to make the changes to feel better. I don’t know how anyone else does it, but for me I focus on small successes. I take it day by day and when I’m struggling I might have to take it hour by hour, and when it’s really bad minute by minute. It was the exact method I used to quit smoking.
“Get through the next hour, Allison. Just focus on getting through the next hour and you are that much closer to defeating this struggle.”
That was what I told myself. It works and each minute, each hour, each day it gets easier to stay the course and keep moving forward.
I’m on day three of Allison-is-determined-to-climb-out-of-this-rut-and-get-back-to-kicking-the-ass. I’ve stuck to my healthy eating and I’ve stayed active. I feel so much better even just after a few days.
It felt great to get back to class last night. I’ve missed BJJ so much. I’ve missed the happiness I get from the endorphin high I experience after a hard workout. I’ve missed the empowerment I feel being a girl and engaging in a sport that makes me feel strong and badass. I’ve missed the fun of learning. I’ve missed the people and the environment. I’ve just missed it all and I’m so glad to be back.