Courage by defiance. That’s what I’m going to call it.
Maybe it was an attempt at some reverse psychology, knowing how defiant I can be and using that to get me to go for it. Maybe the intent wasn’t to be mean or hurtful. Maybe the intent was really just out of concern and caring. Maybe. I don’t really care either way.
Either way, when someone told me that they thought I shouldn’t because they thought I couldn’t handle it, I did this:
Kiss my ass.
Now, not only am I competing for the first time I have the added bonus of proving you wrong. Proving that I can handle it.
It was a weird day, yesterday. It’s funny how the universe can throw things at you sometimes. How at almost the exact moment someone was telling me that they didn’t believe in me, I got the best comment on Facebook.
“Just a small thought to leave you with. There are several little girls in the kids class and I know one in particular who thinks it’s “really awesome” you’re doing jiu jitsu to improve yourself and was stoked when I mentioned you might be doing the same tournament she is competing in!”
I know from previous experience that courage by defiance doesn’t always last long. It’s like an adrenaline rush and sometimes, if you start letting the rational side of your brain take over instead of running on the rebellious spirit boiling inside of you, it can go away as quick as it came. That brain of yours will talk you out of what could potentially be the best moments of your life if you don’t embrace the craziness of courage by defiance and act on things immediately.
I may not be an expert on these matters but I feel like I do have a pretty solid background in this field. I, much to my mother’s dismay, was a difficult teenager and defiance should have been my middle name.
As I sat there filling out the online registration, the “kiss my ass” fuel was running on low, the reality of what I was about to do set in, and my courage started to slip away. I started questioning myself and letting negative thoughts creep in.
What if I suck? What if I lose? What if I look like an idiot?
I made myself read that Facebook comment again and I clicked the last button to finalize my registration. I don’t know if I could have followed through if that comment wasn’t there.
This morning, I woke up to a courage by defiance hangover. The butterflies where fluttering in my stomach and there was a brief moment of panic.
But, I refuse to back out or quit. That’s just not who I am.
So, today, I am telling myself that those “what ifs” don’t matter. What matters is that I’m trying. There is a big chance that I will fail, but I can never, NEVER succeed if I don’t try. And, really even the winning or losing doesn’t matter either. It’s having the courage to get out of your comfort zone and learning from the experience.
The next three weeks are going to be crazy. I am competing in both gi and no-gi. I am going to try to get as much mat time in as I can, work hard, give it my all, and focus on becoming the best I can be by the tournament. I am completely open to any criticism and help. Roll with me, drill with me, smash me. I’m game for it all. If you see holes in my game, and obviously I’m a white belt so there will be a lot, don’t hesitate to tell me.
Here we go! Let’s do this!