Fucking Back Rolls

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I almost didn’t write about class. I was back and forth with the idea. Sometimes I worry too much about what I’m putting out there in these posts and that my mental struggles will annoy people. It’s embarrassing to put this stuff out there. (Good grief, that statement fits perfectly with what I’m writing about today.) But, I made a promise to myself when I started that I would write about it all. The good, the bad, the ugly. My inner workings and struggles are not pretty and I’m sure a lot of people will never understand it but I don’t want that to stop me from putting it out there. We are all unique in our obstacles and these are mine.

I let back rolls defeat me last night. How stupid is that!? A silly little back roll.

I looked around the room and everyone was doing them with ease, or at least it looked like with ease. I was scared at the thought of doing them in front of everyone but gave myself a little pep talk and decided to give it a go. I tried the first one, couldn’t do it, and panicked.

Then we entered into a mental “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” situation. Do them and have the embarrassment of looking like a whale that can’t get her ass over her head. Don’t do them and have the embarrassment of being the person that couldn’t face the challenge. Either choice was going to shoot my anxiety through the roof.

Hello panic attack!

I let it bother me for the remainder of the class. It’s like I get stuck in the very back of a long, dark tunnel. I can faintly see the people around me, I can kind of hear them, but it’s all so far away that none of it sticks. I’m in my own underworld of self-hate, deaf and blinded by my fears. My sole thought is to get out of the room and I just go through the motions in hopes that no one will notice I’m freaking out inside.

I know that challenges are suppose to be the things in our lives that make us stronger, that make us grow into better people. I know that. When it comes to most things physical I welcome the challenges. I like pushing my body to see what it is capable of.

When it comes to most things mental and putting myself out there, I am the opposite. I struggle deeply with the challenges. Conquering my anxieties feel impossible and sometimes suffocating. I would give almost anything to have one day, just one freakin’ day that is easy. One day that I don’t worry about the people around me. One day that I don’t fear how I am perceived. One day that I don’t get embarrassed over stupid things (like a failed back roll.) One day that I can make mistakes and look silly and not feel like it’s the end of the world. One day that I don’t freak out about simply having a conversation with someone I don’t know very well. One day that I don’t feel broken.

It’s exhausting. I just want easy, get out there, do the thing, mess up, and let it roll off me like it’s nothing.

*Self pity rant over.

There are days that I feel mentally deflated and defeated. Today is one of them. (Over back rolls, might I remind you. *I’m saying that phrase with a tone that implies just how stupid it is to get in my head about a freakin’ back roll.)

All I can do in hopes of conquering myself is to keep going. To keep trying. To keep doing the things I’m afraid of. I don’t know if I will ever overcome these issues but I know that giving into them isn’t the way to bettering myself. As tempting as it is to become a hermit and never leave my house, I want more than that. I crave a life where I am no longer afraid and am on a quest to make that happen. The older I get, the more important it is to me to make that happen.

Show up and try again. That is what I will do.

FYI, after class while everyone was occupied with rolling, I went over to a corner and did a few back rolls. As with most things I get worked up over, they were easier than I thought.

So, I will go back on Thursday. I will do back rolls. I will be brave. I will probably mess up here and there. I will not panic. I will not worry about how I look. I will not worry about what people think of me. I will do my best. I will not give up.

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