My biggest struggle with BJJ lately is pretty much in line with what I struggle with in my day to day life. Letting myself get super disappointed or frustrated over things that I can’t change and can’t control.
I’ve talked about it before, how the strength factor is a big struggle for me. It’s a struggle that still exists and will forever. I will never be as strong or stronger as the men I roll with. I sometimes have a hard time accepting the results of that truth and I let it frustrate me way too much. Especially right now when, as a white belt, we rely on strength a lot because we don’t have the technique yet.
That’s not the part that gets to me though.
The part that bothers me is how I react to it. I get pissed. I let it get in my head. I let it tell me that I can’t do this. Those strength battling moments are when I feel like this is impossible. I get so frustrated and for a brief moment, I let it defeat me.
I can sit here and say over and over that it defeats and frustrates me because I’m a girl and “poor me” and the odds aren’t in my favor, but really it comes down to one thing…
It defeats and frustrates me because I have an ego. I get in my head about things I can’t change and can’t control because I have an ego. I don’t like accepting loss in a battle of strength because I have an ego. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing the problem, right?
“Hi. My name is Allison Davis and I have an ego. It’s been 22 hours since my last episode…”
I put way too much self-worth into one rolling match. I put way too much self-worth into a lot of things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It’s really kind of stupid when I think about it. For too long I have tripped up over these things only to find out that the only thing I am really tripping on is myself. My inability to separate losing to a submission and losing in life.
Your ego is not your amigo.
I’m really trying hard to focus on the learning opportunities that are at my disposal. That these battles of strength with men that are way stronger than me are going to help me improve both physically and mentally. I want to focus on taking out the competitive element that I always put there and instead letting my opponent take the role as a teacher that I can always learn from, win or lose. Letting each encounter mold me into the best version of myself that I can be both in jiu-jitsu and life.