First class back! It feels so great to be back! I’ve missed SFC and kickboxing and BJJ!
I admit, I was nervous. The closer I got to SFC the more butterflies I could feel in my stomach.
We just spent over a week eating horribly, so much so that I was afraid to get on the scale when we got home to see the damage I had done. I always say I’m going to be good when we go out to eat, that I will make the healthy choices from the menu. Then I see fried stuffs and things drenched in alfredo and pizza, my ultimate weakness, and I say, “Screw the healthy stuff. I’m on vacation!”
#yolo? (Am I too old to say things like YOLO? Probably.)
It’s crazy how hard you have to work to take the weight off and how easy it is to gain it back.
I hate food. I mean I love it, but I hate it. I love it, but I hate that I love it.
I’ve had a life long struggle with food. In my younger years it didn’t really matter because I was active. I played sports, I swam every second that I could, I rode my bike everywhere, I loved playing outside. My dad would call me a bottomless pit because I could eat so much.
Youth metabolism is the shit.
Unfortunately food was more than just food to me. It was always my comfort. I had a lot of struggles in my teenage years and food was what got me through it. If I was sad, food would make it better. If I had a bad day it was nothing that a little Easy Cheese and some Chicken in a “Biskit” crackers couldn’t cure. What a bad habit to form. To drown your sorrows in food.
It all caught up with me after high school and the lack of activity. That would be the beginning of my struggles with my weight. It would go up and down, up and down. I hit my peak weight, the heaviest I’ve been about four years ago, a year after I quit smoking. I knew I was going to gain weight when I quit but nothing could have prepared me for how much I would gain. I knew I was overweight, very overweight, but I had no idea I was entering the obesity level of overweight. It wasn’t until I saw a picture of myself that it hit me hard. I looked at it and there were no words to say. I was a fat ass with a capitol “F.” I looked like I could eat the people standing next to me. I was embarrassed to say the least.
I will never be one of those people that can accept my body and be proud of it when I’m overweight. I just can’t. We live in a world of “big is beautiful” and I just will never feel that way about myself. Maybe that makes me an asshole but I just can’t see myself that way. When I’m overweight all I see is someone who isn’t taking care of themselves in the right way. Someone who is lazy and weak. Someone who is choosing food over health.
I do not want to be that person. And, it’s not about being skinny. I want to be strong and fit and healthy.
It’s crazy how much taking a week off and eating like crap sets you back. I barely survived the kickboxing class and then when I put my gi on afterwards for jiu-jitsu I felt like a whale. It fit differently and I walked down those stairs worried that other people would be able to tell that it fit differently. I’m sure no one noticed, but that thought didn’t make the walk to the mat any easier.
I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me to reverse the damage I did on vacation, but…
I know that there is nothing that is going to help me drop the weight as quickly as BJJ will.
I know that there is nothing that is going to make me feel as strong as BJJ will.
I know that there is nothing that is going to get me in better shape than BJJ will.
I know that there is nothing that is going to empower and motivate me more than BJJ will.
It feels so great to be back at it and working towards my goals again!