Good Enough

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I am a fucking mess.

Sorry for the f-bomb. I felt like in order for you to really grasp my emotion in that statement, the f-word was crucial. It really gives it the kick in the pants I’m looking for.

My victory last night was becoming so frustrated with myself and how I handle things that it made me realize that I can’t ever give up if I want to fix that part of me.

I so desperately want to fix that part of me.

All my life I’ve only wanted to feel normal. To not be so hypersensitive. To not be so fucking in my head about every little thing. (There she is again. My trusty little emotion filled, hot pocket of a word.) I have spent my life knowing that I am way too hard on myself, but still, even knowing and recognizing that, always listening to that little voice in my head that says, “You’re not good enough.”

You’re not good enough.
You’re not good enough.
You’re not good enough.

After 35 years of listening to that voice, the one that lives in my head and the ones that put that thought there in the first place, I’m realizing that this will be my biggest hurdle. Advancing and getting stripes on my belt will be amazing, but I’m starting to see that overcoming my emotional trip-ups, that will be my biggest victory.

I’ve wanted to learn jiu-jitsu for awhile. I was mostly focused on the physical aspect of it. The ability to choke someone, break their arm, or dominate them. Simply put, I wanted to feel like a badass. However, now that I’m in it, I’m seeing just how valuable it really is. I can see that jiu-jitsu will be able to cure me of something that therapy never could. Well, on one condition…

I absolutely can not give up.

I am lucky to belong to a team of people that won’t let me give up. That call me out and tell me, in one way or another, to keep going. That remind me that I can do this when I start to feel like I can’t.

My victory last night might sound small to you, but to me it was huge.

It was simply continuing on. Staying. Not escaping when I really wanted to, when I got embarrassed. Not letting myself give in completely to those assholes in my head. Waking up this morning and telling myself, I may be a mess but…

I am fucking good enough.

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