Defeated is the word of the day. Capital D-E-F-E-A-T-E-D. Defeated.
I’m so very thankful that I have my husband. Not only is he handsome and sweet to me but, for the most part, the only times he goes into major asshole mode is when he’s hungry. I’m guessing when he was a toddler his mom stood behind him a lot mouthing to the people within earshot, “He’s just hungry.”
I’m getting off track. Back to the topic, my super amazing, awesome husband.
He could clearly see in class last night that I was struggling. The defeat was written all over my face from the second class started. He immediately went for the Allison’s personal motivational coach role, that he sadly has to do probably way too much. I struggle so much with shyness, putting myself out there, and social situations and he’s always there to comfort and support me.
Anyway, the bulk of what he said last night revolved around the fact that he can relate to what I’m going through.
Love you hubs, but as the great douchbag Kanye West would have said, “Imma let you finish but…”
While yes we can relate on certain general “we are both white belts” levels there is so much more that he won’t be able to relate to or understand.
The last few classes the biggest eye opener for me is that I will never be able to overpower someone with my strength. Even if I am rolling with a guy that is smaller than me, his strength will beat mine every time. That’s just genetics and the way the whole male/female thing works.
Right now when I have so very little knowledge of BJJ and the techniques, I feel like strength is the only thing I have. And, I don’t even really have that. I seriously felt like a rag doll that just got tossed around. I couldn’t do shit. The sad part is that I know my husband isn’t coming at me full throttle either. I feel so weak.
My husband is big and strong and while he might not have a large arsenal of technique he can still kind of eek by right now with the strength part. He can at least roll with someone and do something.
I have zero strength and zero technique. I suck.
Okay, pity party over. Suck it up, princess.
I read a great quote that says, “Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.” I’m one of those annoyingly persistent people so giving up just isn’t something I do. I typically use frustrations to fuel my determination. I know that simply showing up to class over and over and trying my hardest is how I get past this.
On the positive I do feel like I’m improving however small the progress is. Hey, progress is progress, right? I keep requesting when I roll with my husband for him to just come at me and I will defend as best as I can. I don’t even care about submissions right now, I just want to work on escaping and improving my position.
I will get there. That whole “I suck” thing isn’t going to last forever. Maybe a long time, but not forever.